Funeral wishes
Last verified: 14 December 2025 (England & Wales)
This is one of those topics people tend to “have in their head” for years — until they realise someone will eventually have to make the call in real life.
If you have strong feelings about burial or cremation, where ashes should go, or what you would like on a memorial, writing it down is a quiet kindness to your family. It can also save your executors a lot of second-guessing.
If you are not sure what you want, that is normal too. A calm, practical chat with us (often over a cup of coffee, if you prefer a home visit) can help you understand the options without doom and gloom, and then record clear guidance for the people you trust.
You might not know exactly what you do want — but most people know what they don’t want. We can start there.
A useful (slightly surprising) point
Funeral wishes written into a Will are not automatically legally binding. In practice, executors almost always try to follow them. But the executor (or administrator) dealing with the estate may need to make practical decisions, especially where availability, rules, access or family dynamics get in the way. So we record your wishes clearly, and we also make sure they are workable.
Quick-read summary
Most people do best with a simple approach:
- Record your preference (burial or cremation) if you have one.
- If you don’t, that’s fine — record what matters to you and what you want to avoid.
- Keep the Will wording short, and put practical detail in a Letter of Wishes so it can be updated easily.
- Where helpful, keep the latest version in your Life & Legacy Log so your family can find it quickly.
The goal is not “control every detail”. The goal is “make it easy for the people you trust to do the right thing”.
Why clarity helps families
Funeral directors estimate they are holding hundreds of thousands of uncollected sets of ashes. Some have been held for decades. The problem is simple: without clear consent and clear direction from the family, ashes cannot just be scattered or buried.
In many cases, families are not being difficult — they are simply unsure what their loved one would have wanted, or they cannot agree, or no one feels confident making the call. And in a significant number of cases, there was a Will, but funeral wishes were not recorded clearly enough to guide people in real life.
That is why we recommend a clear conversation, backed up by clear direction in the Will and/or a practical Letter of Wishes. It gives your executors confidence, reduces conflict, and helps your family avoid decisions dragging on for months or years. There are also proposals being discussed to allow ashes to be dealt with respectfully after reasonable attempts to contact the family, but the better answer is still the same: clear wishes recorded properly, in a way your family can follow.
Clear wishes are one of the simplest kindnesses you can leave behind.
Where to record your wishes
Most people expect funeral wishes to appear in a Will, so we can include a short clause there if you want. That said, the detail usually belongs in a Letter of Wishes, because it can be updated easily without re-signing your Will.
Equally, you do not have to include funeral wishes in the Will at all. Some clients prefer to keep the Will focused on legal and financial instructions, and put funeral wishes entirely in a Letter of Wishes (and/or a Life & Legacy Log) so changes are easy and there is no “admin” if they change their mind.
The Will is where people look first. The Letter of Wishes is where you can be properly helpful.
What to write down (without turning it into a form)
Start with one clear sentence: “My preference is burial” or “My preference is cremation”. If you genuinely do not mind, say so.
If you are unsure, write down what matters to you instead. For example: “keep it small”, “keep it local”, “I don’t want a fuss”, “I’d like music”, “I’d like it to be private”, or “I’d like it to feel like a celebration of life”.
Then add one line of flexibility, so your executors can act without guilt if reality gets in the way. If burial is your preference, this can be as simple as: “If burial is not possible within a reasonable time, I am happy for my executors to arrange cremation instead.
”If burial matters to you, note the place you have in mind and whether there is a family plot, plus where the paperwork is kept. If cremation is your preference, record whether you have a particular crematorium, and what you would like done with your ashes (or that you are happy for your executors to decide).
Scattering ashes (how to make it workable)
If you have a special place in mind, write it down as if you are giving directions to someone who has never been there. A short line on why it matters can be surprisingly helpful to family members, because it gives them confidence they are honouring your wishes.
It is also wise to add a Plan B nearby. Access changes, venue policies shift, and weather can turn a “perfect spot” into a stressful experience on the day.
If the location is not on your own land, note who you believe owns or manages it, and that permission may be required. This includes places like private estates, churchyards, cemeteries, parks, and some beauty spots.
If the place is by water, keep it simple: “from the shoreline” or “from a boat”, and add a common-sense note like “choose a quiet spot and avoid busy public areas”. Rules and guidance can vary by location, so we always suggest your executors check local requirements at the time.
A Plan B is not “giving up”. It is giving your family permission to make a sensible decision without guilt.
Ashes: keep the step-by-step detail in one place
If ashes matter to you, we can record the broad wish clearly, and then help you capture the practical detail (exact spot, permissions, Plan B, directions) in a Letter of Wishes.
We’ve also written a separate guide your executors can follow when the time comes: Can I choose where my ashes are scattered?
Memorials and headstones
Cemeteries and churchyards often have their own rules about headstones, inscriptions and materials. If you have a strong preference, record it, but be prepared for your executors to work within the site rules.
If what you really want is “something simple and tasteful”, saying that can be just as helpful as specifying every detail. It gives your family direction, without boxing them in.
Technical note: setting money aside for memorial upkeep (and why the wording matters)
There is a niche type of arrangement sometimes used for the upkeep of a monument or gravestone. It is often described as a “trust of imperfect obligation”.The key point is that it cannot be drafted to run indefinitely. If this type of trust is used, it should be written so it ends and any remaining funds pass somewhere else at the end (for example, to a charity, a named beneficiary, or back into the residuary estate).
A supporting Letter of Wishes is strongly recommended. It gives practical guidance to the people dealing with your estate about how you would like the funds used (for example, what upkeep you mean and how often) without turning the Will into a maintenance manual.
Cases
Clear preference, sensible fallback
Mr H preferred burial near family. We recorded burial as his preference, and also recorded that if a plot was not available within a reasonable time, his executors could choose cremation instead. This avoided delay and removed uncertainty for the family.
The “special place” with a Plan B
Mrs P wanted her ashes scattered at a viewpoint she loved. We recorded the broad wish in the Will, and the exact location plus a nearby Plan B in her Letter of Wishes, with a note about checking access and permissions.
Reducing family conflict
A client worried that relatives would disagree about burial vs cremation. We recorded the client’s preference, but also added a clear line giving executors discretion if needed, alongside a short explanation of the client’s reasons in the Letter of Wishes.
The guest list problem (handled sensitively)
A client had strong feelings about who should and should not attend the funeral. There were also grandchildren involved, but only if they were old enough and comfortable with it. We kept the Will clause simple, and used a confidential section in the Letter of Wishes to give clear direction to the executors: who should not be invited, a brief neutral reason, and suggested wording the executors could use if asked. The aim was to protect the day itself without inflaming tensions.
A personal scattering location, with the “permission” piece done properly
A keen fisherman wanted his ashes scattered at a favourite spot. It mattered to him that it was somewhere personal, not “a random place chosen on the day”. We helped him record the preference clearly, then added the practical steps: confirm who controls access to the land or waterway, and ask permission in advance where needed. We also provided a short template letter the family could use (in advance, or at the time), so executors were not left guessing.
“I don’t know what I want” (and that’s fine)
A client found it emotionally difficult to decide. We recorded that the client was content for the executors to decide, but we still captured helpful guardrails: “keep it small, keep it local, and keep it low-fuss”. The family later said this removed pressure at the worst moment.
Leaving it out of the Will entirely (and keeping it easy to update)
A client simply could not decide and found the subject hard to discuss. We left funeral wishes out of the Will completely and focused on a Letter of Wishes that could be updated at any time. Alongside the printed and PDF copies, we provided an editable Word version with two alternative paragraphs the client could choose from later. That meant the client could revisit the decision when ready, at no cost or inconvenience, and without needing a new Will.
A note on how personal a Letter of Wishes can be
Some clients want a very simple, private farewell. Others want something that reflects their life and values. We have seen everything from traditional elements that matter to a family, through to dress-code requests (for example “wear something bright”), and themed touches that reflect someone’s passions (for example an animal theme for someone dedicated to animal care). If it matters to you, it can be recorded clearly and kindly for your executors.
Can I put funeral wishes in my Will?
Yes, and it is common practice. We usually keep the Will clause short and put the practical detail in a Letter of Wishes. Equally, you do not have to include funeral wishes in the Will at all. You can record them entirely in a Letter of Wishes (and/or your Life & Legacy Log) so they are easy to update.
Do executors have to follow funeral wishes?
They will usually try to, but they may need to make practical decisions. Clear instructions and a calm, practical Letter of Wishes help them do the right thing.
Can I change my funeral wishes without updating my Will?
Usually, yes. That is one reason we recommend putting the practical detail in a Letter of Wishes (and/or your Life & Legacy Log). It is easier to update without the formality of signing a new Will.
Do we need permission to scatter ashes?
Often yes, if it is land you do not own or a site with its own rules. Requirements can vary by location, so it is sensible for your executors to check at the time.
What about rivers and lakes?
Rules and guidance vary, but common sense applies. Choose an appropriate, quiet spot and avoid busy public areas. If in doubt, we will point you to the right place to check.
What if my family disagree about what I wanted?
This is exactly where clear wording helps. If you have a strong preference, record it. If you want to avoid conflict, add a line giving your executors discretion if needed. A short explanation in a Letter of Wishes can also calm emotions, because people understand the “why”, not just the instruction.
Next steps
If you are thinking about funeral wishes, here are three useful prompts to bring to a call with us:
- Do you have a strong preference (burial or cremation), or are you genuinely happy for your executors to decide?
- If ashes matter to you, is there a place that feels “right” — and do you want a nearby Plan B?
- Is there anything that could cause conflict (guest list, religious elements, a specific person you would rather not be involved) that would be kinder to record privately for your executors?
If you tell us your priorities, we will help you capture them in a way that is clear, realistic, and kind to the people who will carry them out.
A good Will writer does more than draft documents. They help you spot the questions you didn’t realise needed answering — and make sure your executors are not left carrying them later.
